The Summer Resolution

"The Summer Resolution" I made to blog was a good experience. However, I'm now too busy to keep up with the weekly demand. Hopefully in the coming months I will have additional time to paint my thoughts on this digital canvas once more. Right now I have to make sure that I graduate college :)

-Travis

Lesson of the Week: Changes

Change is something that is right in front of our eyes every single day. Change happens slowly, sometimes so slow that we never notice it. What comes to mind is the Discovery Channel's “Planet Earth” where they track the growth of plants with time lapse cameras. With naked glances there is no growth, but with the right perspective, there is a constant change happening.

Change also happens extremely quick, so quick that what once was disappears within the blink of an eye. Think of the footage filmed at the test of nuclear bombs in the 1950's. A house, then a tidal wave of force, and then nothing but rubble. In life what sort of change do we experience? Do we change ever so slowly like a plant growing, or are our lives like nuclear bombs?

I think most of us would agree that change within ourselves is traditionally slow. We grow slow, we mature slow, and we learn slow (some of us more than others, and by “some of us”, I include myself). However, if you examen yourself from who you were a year ago, are you the same person? Change maybe slow at times, but change happens eventually. Then there are those points in our life where a bomb goes off. Everything that once was becomes engulfed in the force of flames. When these sorts of bombs go off in our lives, things change forever. Think of losing a career, think of a car crash, think of a divorce, all are sorts of nuclear bombs that change our lives instantaneously.

I'm currently in a state of slow change. I can see my present circumstances changing all the time. In a way I feel my present life context is like a tube of tooth paste. I'm the paste being squeezed out of my comfort zone (the tube) and am waiting to see if I end up hardening on the porcelain sink, washing down the drain, or being thrown onto a tooth brush...(example of a metaphor taken too far). But what I really hope is happening is a third state of change, the forest fire.

The forest fire is a mix of slow growth change and the nuclear bomb. When a forest fire comes through, it destroys everything it touches. However, though a forest fire decimates, it also leads to new life. Plants grow and thrive in the rubble, and eventually a forest may grow back even taller and stronger over time. Compared to a nuclear bomb that goes off and emits radioactive fallout for years to come, preventing life from thriving for generations.

Ultimately the lesson is to accept that were going to be forced out of our present circumstances one way or another, its just a matter of how, and why. The quicker we learn the answer to “why”, the quicker we'll understand the our circumstances and thrive in our new environment.

Does that make any sense?

Lesson of the Week: Nashville.

Those of you who keep up with my life, know that I have been playing in a band for the last month with an artist named Peti Banfe. I was asked to play guitar for a competition that he had the chance to participate in, the competition was to be in Nashville at a venue named “12th and Porter”, it was hosted by Word Records, and the winner had the chance to get a development record deal with the label, as well as to open for an established Word Records artists' concert following the competition.

Throughout the last month we have prepared for this event. For the competition, we were only allowed to play one song. For most of the month we deliberated on what song to play and we chose one of our songs called “Yahweh”. We practiced, and practiced and practiced. We were ready finally and we were off to Nashville. The drive was easy because we have an extremely nice van with a DVD player that makes driving seem more like entering a time machine. The way the time machine works is you put a DVD in, such as “The Office: Season 1”, and when the DVD turns off, your 3 hours into the future. It's a remarkable way to travel.

We arrived at our hotel, got some food, and got some sleep the night before the competition. I awoke and got breakfast with my parents who were there to enjoy their 31st anniversary in Nashville, as well as see us play. Then 11:00 am came, and we were off to the venue. We unloaded our equipment with our nerves intact. We were the 5th band to play out of about 18 bands. The first 4 bands played and my stomach began to burst with the butterflies of insecurity. I couldn't keep my knees from quivering, my breath from steadying, or my thoughts from running wild with nervous thoughts of what could go wrong. We were then announced that we were the band on deck.

We went towards the back of the venue to tune our instruments. As some of you know I have a bunch of guitar effects pedals, but what you may not know is that the more pedals you have, the more room for failure you have. I went to begin preparing my equipment with the butterflies destroying my insides like a swarm of locust in a field. My equipment was ready to go, my guitar tuned, but my nerves still ruining my insides. I began to play through the song in my head, and dry ran through the song to warm my fingers up. I probably played through the song twice all the way through, and finally I prayed. Not that we would win, I prayed that I would have fun, be able to play my best, and for my nerves to cool. Right then, I could breath again. The butterflies died, and I had more confidence than I have had in a while. The band before us finished and it was our turn to set up. I set up, everything was ready. Guitar tuned, pedals working, power on, amplifier equalized, I was ready.

The song we chose begins with Peti playing an ambient synthesizer sound, then the drums click the beat, and I get ready to hit the first chord in the song, a dissonant A minor. Just as my pick strikes the string SNAP my G-string breaks. The most vital string on my guitar for this particular song. Panic ensues within my head, but I come to the conclusion that I just have to deal with it. I play the verses and per-chorus as well as I can without my most vital string. The pre-chorus builds into a the chorus that cries out into an anthem. Just as I hit the chord to enter into this anthem, SNAP. My A-string breaks. Now I am in trouble. You see, 90% of this song uses those two strings, the G and the A string. This is a pivotal point. We only get to play one song, and my guitar cannot be salvaged. We brought a back-up guitar, but for only one song I didn't believe for a second that I would be in the predicament that I was in. So I run off stage and just start asking other bands for a guitar, any guitar, anything. Just as I am about to dig and find my back up guitar, one of the other bands hands me a guitar. I grab it, and sprint back to the stage, I jump up to the front of the stage, plug in the guitar without tuning it or adjusting anything. I got on stage just in time to hit on of the key parts of the song. The keyboard's strings lead the way into a huge guitar note that I was just able to hit. We go back into the final chorus and end the song.

I was able to recover from some of the worst luck ever, but I still felt like an embarrassing failure for about the few hours following our performance, especially when there was a band fronted by teenage girls who totally out played me. But the band was very forgiving of my misfortune. The band that did end up winning, named “Sons of Day”, had actually been on a label for three years, and were all brothers which means they have been playing for a very very long time. Compared to us who have been together about a month.

However the rest of the night was awesome. I got the chance to hang out in Nashville for the night and got to go all over the city with a good friend and a Nashville local, it was cool.

My final lesson for this week is two fold.

First, expectations will destroy you. When we think we know what, how, when, and why, something is going to happen, were going to fall flat on our face. Because let's be real, nothing ever goes to plan, as a Death Cab For Cutie songs states “Every plan, is a tiny prayer to father time”. We have to learn to set our expectations as loosely as possible, so that when our plans inevitably go haywire, we don't fall flat on our face. As some of you know, I have learned this lesson many times over, which is why I was able to recover from the performance a few hours after.

Second lesson, is the need for humility. We need to learn to be humble in all aspects of life. And when were not? I can guarantee you that there will be an event that you have to eat a giant piece of humble pie, and that pie tastes awful, but it's full of vitamins and essential minerals to survive...ok, ignore my terrible metaphor, but do you know what I mean? We all need to get up on stage with all sorts of expectations, break all of our guitar strings, and try to roll with the punches that we take on the chin in life everyday. That's what I learned in Nashville.

-Trav

Lesson of the Week: How To Survive The Ocean

For most of my life I have been trying to figure out how I operate. I'm always trying to figure how my brain works, what my body is physically capable of, and how I can maximize my potential by doing the least amount of work. Our bodies, and the world that our body is immersed in, are very hard to master. It's sort of like trying to learn how to drive a car, but the car is sinking to the bottom of the ocean. It just always seems like there has to be a better way to navigate the ocean other than a freakin' car.

I believe its fair to say that each and everyone of us wants to master life. We want to navigate the murky waters of life and get as many treasures as we possibly can, in the shortest amount of time, using the smallest amount of effort. The problem with this is that, alone, were unable to do this. I had a high school math teacher that always spoke about life being a game, “and if your good at it, you can win”. Now we are capable of living life this way. We can play the game, get the awesome degree, get the car, get the trophy wife, we are capable of getting all sorts of stuff from the world with hard work, effort, and a bit of luck. However, if your following my metaphor, aren't we all just still sinking to the bottom of the ocean in a car? I suppose you can choose to sink to the bottom in a Mercedes if you want, but what's the difference of sinking to the bottom in Mercedes or a 1989 Dodge Caravan with 250,000 miles? Were still in the ocean, were still sinking, and were still going to drowned or be crushed by the pressure of the ocean.

Now, if your still with me on my metaphor, is there a better way to navigate the oceans of life? Like maybe a submarine?...or the Lamborghini in “Thunderball”? I think so. I think living with God in the ocean is the only way to survive. Its the only way to get back to the surface, to the air we breathe, back to where we belong. Unfortunately, I'm still sinking in the ocean in my 2005 Crystler Seebring with 129,000 miles. But by the grace of God I'm someday going to make it to the surface in some sort of vessel, and I'll get to take my first breath of real air. Someday.

Lesson of the Week: Riddled With Imperfection

Whether we choose to admit it or not, each of us are highly imperfect. I am no where near being "perfect", let alone deserving of the title " a decent human being". I am selfish, defiant, and narcissistic, more than I would ever care to know. The odd thing is that I believe in Jesus, who is the only person to walk this earth and be blameless in the demanding eyes of perfection. He is not selfish, defiant, or narcissistic. And I have the chance, through grace, to be blameless for my imperfections. The concept makes no sense.

This weekend I was talking with a friend about a member of a christian band who's faith has been called into question. This issue has risen because one of the members of the band smokes, or smoked, marijuana. Lately they have been accused of not being real Christians, playing the "Creed" card, if you will. However, my friend's response really encapsulates how I believe we are to view our mistakes in the light of claiming we belong to a perfect God.

My friends response is as follows; "It's total bullcrap. The fact that he admits that he has an ongoing issue with drugs, and that he states that he is trying to get off the stuff, is how you know he's a christian!"

Now I am not saying that admitting sin, yet,continually sinning, is what makes one a true christian. However, admitting our faults and sins to one another in hopes that they may help us fight against our own selfish desires is what God wants from us. Another friend always says that "once we put our faith in Christ the punishment from sin is gone, however, the power of sin remains. And though that power is still there, with the help of God and fellow brothers and sisters, that grip can slowly be loosened." (err something like that :) That's what living as an imperfect person, yet belonging to a perfect God is all about.

I guess my point in this scatterbrained blog is that I am always going to be a screw up. But I don't believe for a second that I will be defined by my imperfections, because of the freedom I have in Christ. The only way I want to be defined is how I love God, people, and the world. That's what I learned this week.

Lesson of the Week: Nostalgia

I've enjoyed writing in this blog throughout the summer, though not all of my writings have been very substantive. To help me continue to write through the school year, I'm going to start doing "Lesson of the Week". Hopefully this will make my writing more consistent, and more interesting.

Lesson of the Week:

Often times I fall victim to feelings of nostalgia. I do it all the time, when I hear a song, or when I catch up with a friend, I begin to heavily focus on the past. For me these feelings are very difficult to deal with, especially when trying to discern whether the feelings are constructive or not. In my life there seems to be two types of nostalgia, healthy nostalgia, and destructive nostalgia. I believe that there is a distinct contrast between the two.

Healthy nostalgia is the sort of nostalgia that occurs when talking with an old friend. When we reflect on the past, we laugh, we talk, and we ask about what is happening in each others present affairs. Healthy nostalgia acts as a bridge between others, its a shared experience that can help build a present relationship. Destructive nostalgia is very different. Destructive looks upon the past as the end all and best of experiences. Destructive does not enhance our present context, as does healthy nostalgia, rather it destroys our present context, and it makes us covet our past selves.

This is a distinction that I realized when I watched an episode of “Penn & Teller: BULLSHIT!”. Their point was that overly nostalgic thoughts distort the past into our idealized version, and are a reflection of one's present unhappy circumstances. Looking into our past too much will destroy our present and we'll never be happy because we'll always want to go back to that place that only exists in our heads. I could wallow in past experiences for the rest of my life, constantly wishing I was somewhere else. Or I can take initiative and create new nostalgia with new experiences with other people. That's what I learned this week.

-Trav

I.O.Me

I slacked off for a week and now I have to write two blogs before August 31st to keep up with my summer resolution.

Well summer is winding down, only 3.5 more weeks and were back in the swing of things at Ohio State. However, between now and then there are a lot of things to happen, to finish, and to do.

1.) To finish - I have to finish my current internship at the student union. This will look like it
has for most of the summer, except when it's finished I'm back to my manual
labor job at the student union.

2.) To Happen 1 - I have the chance to play in a competition in Nashville with Peti Banfe, a
local Columbus artist. Were playing on September 19th, and I'm excited to
spend the weekend in Nashville.

To Happen 2 - There is always one time of the year that puts a smile on my face, The
Fulton County Fair. This is like a family reunion, I get to see people that I
never get to see at any other time. I always look foreword to seeing friends
from years ago.

3.) To do - I graduate in mid March of 2010 which is mere months away. I have to figure out
what I'm going to do after I graduate, it's nerve wrecking, but God has given me some
very good options, it's just a matter of which is the right one.

Well see how these events shape up in the next few weeks.

What's Next?

Exactly one week ago, I confirmed that I would be graduating from Ohio State one quarter earlier than expected. With a bachelors degree in Communication Technologies, as society would have it, I'm ready for a career, a wife, kids, grand kids, and death. What has sort of thrown me off is I never intended on graduating early. I planned on graduating in June, or maybe even in December of 2010, however, I will be graduating in March of 2010. Thus, 6 months from now I will be entering this so-called, “real world”.

I'm not sure how to deal with this new expectation. I have no plans for graduate school or a set career. Fortunately or unfortunately, I will have degree in Communication which is about as unspecified as it gets, so getting out there and getting experience is the next step, but I feel overwhelmed. Am I cut out to function in the professional world? Will I ever be happy with a job? These sorts of questions stress me out all the time. Although I don't know what my next step in life will be, I do know that I want to have a memorable experience before I enter the real world. A stutter-step before I put my best foot foreword. The cliché, is doing the backpacking through Europe. Something like that, or a trip out west, I don't know, but something cool before I have to learn how to tie a tie

What still confuses me is why I'm supposed to graduate early. To be honest, I have no idea how I'm able to graduate earlier than expected, so it's just sort of come as a shock to me. But I'm really hoping that God has something on the horizon for me either for a career, or something to do prior to my career that would be a memorable experience.

As stated in a couple of blogs ago, I'm submitting and waiting to what God might have for me in the future. A quote from “Mad Men” goes “I know you want everything the minute you want it, but sometimes its better to wait.” I don't know if I'm am ready to receive what ever is in store for me, or if I'm still in the waiting process. I'm trying to open to both.

Running Man.

I have recently become some what of a runner. I charge up my iPod, make a playlist, throw on my head band, lace up my shoes, and I'm off. Surprisingly I'm rather proud of my progress that I have made thus far, but it doesn't always come easy. I have a friend who chooses not to believe that life is like running a marathon, in some part I agree, but for this blog I'm going to disagree.

Here are just a few connections that I have made with running and life.

Goals-
When I run, I am obsessed with seeing how far I can go. I set a goal, and I try as hard as I can to reach that goal. The funny thing is, the goal is completely arbitrary. The goal is there to trick my brain into giving me the energy and will to make it that distance. I have no idea how far that goal is, or if the distance to that goal is significant at all, its just the goal, the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is sort of like my college life for me. I am in college simply because I told myself "I want a college degree", what for? I have no idea, but it was a goal, a distance to run. Now the interesting thing will be to look back. Because after I run, I always look on Google Maps to examine the significance of my running goal I set for myself, and to measure how far I ran. It will be interesting to look back on my days in college and see if the goal of getting a college degree from Ohio State is significant.

Rest-
There are times when I run when I just have to stop. Every part of me aches, my head swims, the sweat bleeds off my skin, and my lungs start to play catch-up.

There are times in life when we just need to stop. We have to let ourselves recuperate so that we can continue to run towards our goal. One might feel like a failure or lazy when they take a break, but if you don't, you'll never make it to the end.

Death-
When I run into traffic, there could be a car that runs a red light and kills me. That's sort of where the metaphor breaks down. However my point is, shit happens.

Walls-
When I run, I hit these barriers. My muscles tense up, my lungs breathe heavy, and my head begins to swim. I call these walls. They just sort of come randomly, but you can't stop when you hit them, you just have to keep on running. It sucks, it's hard, it's painful, but you just have to keep on running in order to break through them.

This is so much like life. We just enter these times in our lives when life just sucks. Problems and issues pile up on us and they cause us to want to stop running and give up. However, when I've entered such times, the only answer is to press on work through the pain and strain to try and come out the other side.

That's the cool thing about hitting walls. While it sucks to hit a wall and have to power through it, once you break through, your renewed and can run further and faster than before.


So there are my running analogies.

Who's Will?

Editor's Note:
This blog was written over my two weeks off in my prayer journal, while at Miami International Airport. You may notice a lot of ranting and frustration because that's what I was feeling at that moment. The interesting thing with journals/blogs is that it seals a moment in time. To go back and read what I've written is always weird and is sometimes frustrating. Nevertheless, I feel a duty to keep the same emotion that I felt in that moment, even though right now I feel rather separated from the following words.

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"It's God's will", "I feel God wants me to do this". As a christian, these are statements that I hear all the time from other Christians. They have become over used expressions that often times really mean "My Will", "I feel like doing this", and "My will be done...Amen." We can so easily deceive ourselves and others by throwing the "G" word into how we formulate decisions, we often use God as justification for the things that we want to do, not what were lead to do.

That being said, I will be the first to say that I don't hear a clear direction from God for all of my decisions in my life. Sometimes I do, and those are cool moments, but very often God's direction can feel very ambiguous. When that's the case, I consult other God fearing people that I trust and consider their advice, then I make a decision based upon my logic and limited wisdom that God has given me.

Was my final decision God's will? Did I feel like I chose what God would have me choose in His will? The truthful answers, depending on the circumstances, are "maybe", and "I have no idea". Most times I don't know if my choice was within the realm of God's will. However, I firmly believe that its okay for that to be the final verdict on the decision at hand. I believe its okay to say "I think", "Maybe", and "I don't know" when determining whether a decision was God's will or not. I even believe its okay to say "I decided" or "I thought it through" when were not offered a distinct direction from God. God gives us trustful people in our lives, he gives us logic, and he gives us wisdom. There's no shame in using these things. When we begin to drop the "G" word for all our decisions, when God really didn't give a clear and concise direction, then God's voice begins to lose its significance.

Here's my problem though. When I really do feel God's giving me a clear direction on a decision, it's not the direction that I want to go. God seems to speak to me directly when he's directing me to a place that I don't want to go. It's a kick in the balls I assure you. Right now I'm wrestling with a question that I asked God where he gave me a clear answer, but not the one that I wanted to hear. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm a masochistic schizophrenic who hears voices that influence him. But if I'm not, and God did answer my question directly, then I have no choice but to obey. It's just pathetic because I have cried out to God and asked "God please speak to me, be straight foreword with me!", but when he is, I don't like what I hear.

Like I said, I'm wrestling with the decision. Jonah also had similar issues. He had a clear direction from God, but he chose to deliberately disobey God. Eventually, God lead him to Ninevah (thanks Wiki), where he spoke truth and the people listened, but he had to go through a whale first. I suppose I can only operate under the knowledge I have now, and God has given me some direction. I guess if I did choose to disobey, God would have some sort of Whale to swallow me and spit me out so I can eventually serve my purpose, but I don't want to go through that. It's just hard to surrender my will, to God's will. It sucks.

-Trav

On Vacation.

I feel that I reserve the right to ignore my summer resolution to blog once a week during my two weeks away. So that's what I'm going to do!...unless I get bored.

-Trav

It's time to go.

I'm at my job where I should not be blogging, but it's that time right after lunch where you have absolutely no motivation to do anything, especially after a fantastic lunch nap (which I had). But it's time to get out of the city. For the next two weeks I'm going to be all over the place and it couldn't come at a moment too soon.

A week in my childhood church camp playing music with good friends, then I'm off to the Dominican Republic for the third time to serve in whatever capacity I'm able. I can't wait. It's going to be like living my high school era of no responsibility.

Of course the worst part is going to be coming back to this place. Dealing with rent, bills, roommate issues, all of it. Problems don't disappear, not when were under the influence of alcohol or vacation. Life just gets put on hold, then you have to hit the ground running, which I'm not looking foreword to. However, the next two weeks should be a blast. I can't wait to escape, if only for a short time.

-Trav

The Office.

This week I started an internship with the marketing department at the Ohio Union on OSU's campus. Having worked this new job for only a week, already I see how people become obsessed with their jobs. The competition, the office drama, and the feeling of being in a vacuum during office hours then you get home and remember all of the issues in your life outside of work.

It's been only a week and I've felt all of this. Already I feel stupidly competitive and eager to attempt to impress my superior like a real life Dwight Schrute. It's so frustrating to feel such a feeling of animosity towards people, especially when no one else of my fellow interns give a crap and are just there to get class credit and an easy minimum wage paycheck. There is no competition but inside my head. Were all in the same boat, yet, I can't make myself realize it.

I was expressing these new feelings towards a friend and he said "some people need to have credit given to them for what they do", and in the case of this job he would be dead on in describing my state of mind. However, I've never been that way with anything else. I don't remember trying to impress my boss in any other job or anyone else in authority over me. I suppose I feel this pressure because this is the first job that is actually potentially critical to my future in the work place.

The toughest part though, is the feeling of being inside of a vacuum. When I'm at this job all I think of is work, nothing else. I leave work, and all the responsibilities and issues of my personal life just flood my brain like a damn breaking. It drives me crazy. Granted however, the escape feels good, like being high or drunk. In the moment, I'm miles away from problems and issues in my life. Then I sober up at 5, the hangover begins, and all the issues that were there before I binged on whatever drug, reemerge twice as hard.

The worst part about being trapped in my work vacuum is keeping God the focus. That's probably where a lot of these feelings of needed validation, competitiveness, and tunnel vision come from. It's difficult, especially because this is the first job that I have ever really had to use my brain, ever. Every other job I have ever had has been manual labor where I am just performing some mindless task over and over again. When doing these mindless tasks, my mind wanders in a good way. I think about God, I pray to God, I think about people, unfortunately that mindless luxury is gone.

I need to find a way to deal with this new way of working. I need to find a way to keep God the focus even when a lot of my brain power is going towards my job. I hope that I can figure out the balance that people, such as my father and many other friends, have found in their work place.

Refreshing Breeze

I am really excited at the thought of being able to start over. Sure, issues are not resolved, sure, I still have a million loose ends from this past school year, and sure, many of my responsibilities are not going to change. But as people in my life come and go, it offers me the opportunity for a sort of redefinition of who I want to be, and what I want to do. It's exciting, depressing, and overwhelming all at the same time.

During this time of transition and redefinition in my life, I have come to appreciate time alone. Especially after living in a house of five guys for nearly an entire year, this is a welcomed change. Whether its spending time on my deck, at a coffee shop, or in my room, having quiet time to myself has been refreshing. To reveal TMI, as I write this, it's Friday night and I'm in “Northstar Cafe” in the Short North by myself. I'm listening to Nick Drake's album “Pink Moon”, I am typing away at this blog, and I honestly would rather be almost no where else. It's a refreshing feeling.

My hope is that out of this time, I will be able to rediscover a part of myself that has become consumed with a 24/7 sense of obligation to others, and a 24/7 schedule of dealing with my social life's dysfunctional ways. I'm ready to put these things to bed, and move on. My past experiences are over, it's time I learn from them, and create some new ones in light of my past.

When I first moved to Columbus to go to Ohio State University, I spent a majority of my time alone. Not to say that I didn't deeply desire friends at this time, but I look back and see a strong sense of independence and a time of discovery within myself. This is a very fond memory of mine, and my hope is to find another sort of discovery within myself during this time. I'm not saying I'm completely independent (for example I still have access to my parents credit card), but it's comforting to know that I'm capable of being alone and being satisfied, not forever (a wink to the ladies ;) , but at least for the time being.

-Travis

Cancer

It's always been difficult for me to be honest with people. Not to say that I'm a compulsive liar, but I would say I am dishonest in what I don't say. It's a lie by omission. There are millions of times and instances where one will ask me, "Is there anything else?"..."Is there anything else you want to say?"..."Are you holding back?". My answer to all of those questions in most those circumstances would be a blatant lie. It's far easier to say "No. That's all." than to be honest. I always think, "If I said what I really thought, would they ever speak to me again?". I tell myself "I just want to leave this alone, let it work itself out, let them deal with it, it's none of my business, it's out of my control."

Thus begins the process of internalization. My definition of internalization would best be described by the following metaphor:

"Travis' Internalization:
A tumor grows inside of Travis on his spinal cord, the tumor lies dormant for an undetermined amount of time. Though dormant, the tumor grows. The tumor grows until one day, the tumor is large enough that it constricts Travis' spinal chord nerves, and paralysis ensues. Travis now cannot walk, his upper body is weak, and he needs a catheter because he can't control his bladder. Because Travis never reported the early onset of symptoms, chemotherapy and radiation treatment are ineffective. The only treatment at this point is surgery. Doctor's must sterilize themselves, cut open Travis' spine, and dig out the tumor piece by piece. It's possible that Travis will not survive this treatment, and if he does, the long term effects will be very unpleasant."

This is what it's like to allow issues in ourselves and between other people to ferment over a period of time. They get worse, they get cancerous, and then they have to be surgically removed.

Allowing issues to get to this point has happened all too often recently. But, I'm afraid of the surgery. I'm afraid of the bloody process that surgery is, I'm afraid of not making it through the surgery, I'm afraid of the scar, I'm scared of the long term effects of the surgery, and I'm scared of what the end results may be. I'd rather not go through the process.

I'd rather allow the cancer to kill what's left of my body, because I'm scared to be healed. This is not a good state of mind. I hope I can change it some day, but I fear the day won't be today.

-Travis

Jeff Buckley

I was recently inspired by the deceased artist Jeff Buckley. I saw a documentary about the beginning of his career, his rise, the recording of his album "Grace", and his untimely, and in my mind, accidental death. In the documentary, I saw he had journals from nearly everyone of his days on tour and I was just amazed and jealous that I'm unable to write once a week for only my own enjoyment. It inspired me to try and blog more over this summer. At least for myself if no one else.

-Travis

My Pattern.

Its easy to see patterns, consistencies, and recurrences, when they don't involve ourselves.

There are a lot of patterns in my life that reoccur, to name a few:

-My inability to say "NO" to people.
-My need, to be needed.
-My lack of self motivation
-My need to avoid conflict (my own conflicts)
-My need to fix conflict (other people's conflicts)
Just to name a few.

I can name these few only because at some point in time, they were shoved into my face. These patterns, reoccurred, and I did something regretful. Now, there are countless other patterns in my life that I don't see (yet) or am too conceited to see, but sure enough, they will surface.

Recognizing these patterns, and changing them, can help us better ourselves. But it sure is hard.

Baptism.

This an assignment for my Creative Non-Fiction writing class. We had to tell the story of an event from our childhood that we don't remember, but others do remember. So here it is, Enjoy;

Infant baptism was a tradition held by my Lutheran family for many generations. The Lutheran church doctrine believes that through baptism, comes salvation. However for me and my family, the tradition of baptism became something else.
Its a mild Saturday evening in March at Emmaus Lutheran Church, and the stage is set. The pastor is in his long white robe, the wooden pews are swept clean of dust, and the water on the alter is warm and awaiting my immersion. The smell of burnt candles and the musk of elder relatives is immersed in the air rising all the way to the peak of the sanctuary chamber. My mother is anxious and emotional amongst her family in the audience, my father is cracking jokes at my feminine blue baptismal gown, my older brother is complacent and desiring the attention of the evening to be on him, and my dear eldest sister is patient, calm, and wearing the most beautiful white dress.
The hour finally came. The singing of hymns began, echoing throughout the sanctuary halls like a chorus of bats in a cave. “Let us pray” the preacher said, and the service began. “Baptism is one of our most precious held traditions.” The preacher said. “We are here to commit this child to the Lord our God. Just as John the baptist baptized the believers of his day, so we do the same to this child before us.” My father handed me over to my sister who could barely hold onto me without shaking as if she were having a mild seizure. “Do you Scott and Vickie Smith give your son to God, to be baptized in the waters of his love, to atone for his sins?” “Yes we do.” My father and mother said. “Good, now hand me Travis” the Preacher said. My sister couldn't stop her nervous shaking. She was literally inches from handing my small, frail, infant body off to the pastor wearing the whitest piece of clothing, second to my sister's dress. Centimeters away, millimeters. She was so close to avoiding complete disaster. So close but so far. Just before my sister could hand me over to the pastor's open arms, my tiny infant bowels released , pouring excrement all over my sister's beautiful white dress. A mix of gasps, laughs, and awkward silence, fell throughout the sanctuary. Her face as red as a cheek in the cold, my sister walked swiftly away from the altar towards the bathroom to salvage what was left of her beautiful white dress. In front of family and friends, she walked to save what hadn't been sullied by my feces. My mother then cleaned me up and the baptism commenced, continuing our families tradition.
Today, my infant baptism remains a distant memory, occurring nearly 20 years ago. It is cataloged as one of three times that I, as a young child, hurled unpleasant bodily functions onto my sister. However thanks to the poop incident, my infant baptism remains the most vividly remembered baptism in all my family. Its something we will never forget, even if we wanted to.

People.

I'm sitting here in my lecture and I'm watching the Inauguration of the new President Obama. People are hanging on to every word that he says. People chanting "O-Bam-A" at the top of their lungs. As they show people of all shapes and sizes in the crowd of hundreds of thousands, I can't help but wonder what people sacrificed to be there. How much they paid to travel, find a spot, take off work, find babysitters, what did people sacrifice to hear a man talk? I find it astounding that people can be so amazed with one person talking for fifteen minutes.

We put so much faith in each other. We expect, people to be the answer to our questions, to make us feel better, to solve our problems, and to give us as much as we give them. But all of this isn't true. Were all messed up people. I've let so many people down, and I've been let down by so many people, when will we learn our lesson? We just can't put our faith into people because they will inevitably let us down. Just as I have let down so many people, so will people let me down. So we need to put our faith in ourselves, and in something bigger than ourselves at the same time.

Hope? Change? These things don't come through placing our faith in a new politician. I believe we can only place our trust and faith in God, because all humans do is screw things up.

Back to the Present

a= Past b= Present c= Future

a.) The past a little more easily understood than the present or future. I can look back and understand events, occurrences, and seasons and determine their relevance within the present...sometimes.

b.) The present is a weird place. Its always changing, shifting, and complicating. It seems like a place that we will never escape, but within a blink of any eye, its gone.

c.) The future is weird too. Its unique in that it is dependent on both the past and present. The future is unique in its uncertainty, whereas the past and present are for the most part certain. There are no regrets like the past, and there are no pains as in the present.


a + b = c

Its the formula for our lives. It continues on and on and on, within one second the formula resets. The values of "a" and "b", and as a result "c", are always adjusting.

This came to mind when I was watching old home movies over the holidays with my family. I saw myself as a baby opening gifts, my brother talking his head off, my sister trying to be mature, my parents at an age that I will soon be approaching, and the images of dead loved ones. It was depressing. I wanted to cry. To think that time is gone and will never come back, that my parents will never be that young again, nor I, just made me want to stop living.

I realized that's the feeling when we obsess over the past. The best is behind us, the living dead. It feels terrible.

Then there is my obsession with the future. Anytime I try and guess or manipulate the "c" value, I just end up falling short to my expectations. When I obsess over the future, I get crazy. I feel as if every action is a reaction that is going to ruin my future. I get depressed, anxious, and stressed.

So I realized there is only one thing to look to; "b". We have to learn to appreciate the "here" and "now. When we don't? We get messed up in the head. This moment now is the only thing that I can affect right now. I have no control over my past, and none over my future as of now. I've just come to the conclusion that the only way to live is to not look both ways when you cross the street. If you obsess over the cars on the right, and the cars on the left, you will never step out into the street, and sidewalks are gay.

So that's my all too long rant for today. And probably the only time I've applied anything from high school algebra.

My Limits.

I wonder if I would die for something. I'm pretty sure I could die for someone, but what about something less tangible? Like a belief? Honestly, would I?

If you know me, then you probably know that the only thing I actually believe in is Christ. So would I die for Him? Gosh I don't know. It's seems hard enough to live for Him, so could I die for Him? There is a "House M.D." quote that says "Dying is easy, living is hard"...I wonder if that's true.

The honest answer is I don't know, and neither does anyone else. When the gun is to our head, the knife to our heart, the noose to our neck, how will we respond to the prospect of death under that pressure? Right now I don't know how I might respond to dying for a belief greater than me. Maybe someday I will be placed in those circumstances and we'll see if its something I'm able to do, though I'm not looking foreword to it.

I'm reminded of a quote that I friend showed me from "Catcher In The Rye" by J.D. Salinger;

"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."

Laying down our lives for someone or for something bigger is a noble gesture. However, we aren't supposed to live with a death wish. Were supposed to live our lives humbly and loving to those around us. Someday we will be called to die, maybe prematurely for something, but living isn't about dying. Dying is just apart of living.

Feeling like writing...

Emo. Most would associate this term with a particular pop punk band in the mid 2000's. A “Good Charlotte”, a “Simple Plan”, or the modern “Secondhand Serenade”, all come to mind. However in reality, were all extremely emotional people. We rely on our feelings when making big decisions, determining friendships, dating relationships, and all other sorts of scenarios. Our feelings influence, persuade, and in my opinion manipulate. Our feelings are like a politician, easily swayed by the tides of the time, easily corruptible by even the most minimal tempting object, and always telling us whats right, what to do, and who to trust, at all times.
All of this comes to mind due to the viewing of this recently shown global warming commercial seen below. The commercial talks about the cultural stigma that we don't nee to worry about climate change because it won't affect us in the near future. As a train approaches, a man is standing on train tracks talking about how global warming won't affect him, then he steps out of the way, and a little girl is on the train tracks to get drilled by the oncoming train. Splat. Everyone in my persuasive communication class here at Ohio State was encapsulated by this emotional advertisement, convinced that were killing our children through Global Warming.
Now you may know that I am not an environmentalist in any way. However, its not the content of this commercial that frustrates me, its the blatant manipulation that's so apparent. Show a child or an animal facing eminent demise, and you will convince the public of anything. Because our emotions deceive us, trick us, and are capable of changing our opinions and ideals with a single frame or 32 second commercial. If that's not power, I don't know what is.

Welcome.

Welcome to my time waster while I'm in, as well as between, classes here at The Ohio State University. I feel stupid and narcissistic for making a blog, but if nothing else it will be enjoyable for me to read down the road. My senior year of high school I had a Xanga and reading those post was fun and embarrassing. Hopefully this will be a similar experience.

http://www.xanga.com/iamtravis182

Well I'm off to make my first real post...here we go...