It's always been difficult for me to be honest with people. Not to say that I'm a compulsive liar, but I would say I am dishonest in what I don't say. It's a lie by omission. There are millions of times and instances where one will ask me, "Is there anything else?"..."Is there anything else you want to say?"..."Are you holding back?". My answer to all of those questions in most those circumstances would be a blatant lie. It's far easier to say "No. That's all." than to be honest. I always think, "If I said what I really thought, would they ever speak to me again?". I tell myself "I just want to leave this alone, let it work itself out, let them deal with it, it's none of my business, it's out of my control."
Thus begins the process of internalization. My definition of internalization would best be described by the following metaphor:
"Travis' Internalization:
A tumor grows inside of Travis on his spinal cord, the tumor lies dormant for an undetermined amount of time. Though dormant, the tumor grows. The tumor grows until one day, the tumor is large enough that it constricts Travis' spinal chord nerves, and paralysis ensues. Travis now cannot walk, his upper body is weak, and he needs a catheter because he can't control his bladder. Because Travis never reported the early onset of symptoms, chemotherapy and radiation treatment are ineffective. The only treatment at this point is surgery. Doctor's must sterilize themselves, cut open Travis' spine, and dig out the tumor piece by piece. It's possible that Travis will not survive this treatment, and if he does, the long term effects will be very unpleasant."
This is what it's like to allow issues in ourselves and between other people to ferment over a period of time. They get worse, they get cancerous, and then they have to be surgically removed.
Allowing issues to get to this point has happened all too often recently. But, I'm afraid of the surgery. I'm afraid of the bloody process that surgery is, I'm afraid of not making it through the surgery, I'm afraid of the scar, I'm scared of the long term effects of the surgery, and I'm scared of what the end results may be. I'd rather not go through the process.
I'd rather allow the cancer to kill what's left of my body, because I'm scared to be healed. This is not a good state of mind. I hope I can change it some day, but I fear the day won't be today.
-Travis
About "Welcome Home"
- Travis Smith
- Columbus, OH, United States
- Welcome Home - is a blog about going from a large city to a small town. It's about going from a fast paced life, to a slower one, and it's about enjoying the simple things in life.
4 comments:
Well, I will be reading if no one else. This is starting to creep me out a little bit... I am not as eloquent as you by far, but sometimes it feels like you are reading my thoughts. Like now. Excellent piece :)
oh. and the new colors are fantastic. Green is my favorite...
Im am Jacks colon I get cancer and kill Jack
There is nothing more liberating than saying what you need to. It's not easy and it's sometimes difficult to maneuver through when people don't like to hear it, and sometimes what you say just isn't accurate-or plain wrong. But once it's out there you can work it out with the people in your life.
It's like playing with the garden hose as a kid...you put your hand over the nozzle to keep the water back, but the force of the water keeps coming-trying to get out. You can feel the water growing and pressing against your hand...and then you let go.
When you keep it in, it does grow like a tumor. The difficulty that sometimes occurs from saying what you think is still easier than that awful feeling of holding it all in. Do not ever forget the power of the mind-body connection. If your mind is thinking this, your body just might follow in time. I know that sounds hippie dippie, but it's true, so be mindful of your thoughts.
I promise you, the complications that result from saying what's on your mind are not as awful and overcoming as that feeling of keeping it all inside is. It does grow like a tumor if you leave it to rest on your spinal cord, but if you release the thoughts, they can't grow because they are no longer in the same place.
A flowing river is very refreshing water (ok-think a mountain stream-not the Maumee). It's moving, fresh, and seems so clean and pure. Now think of a mud puddle left over from a two-day old rain. It's dirty, brown, and seems gross. Water is not always fresh and clean-it's the moving and flowing of the water that changes it.
Our thoughts and feelings work like this too. They are energies in our bodies that need to flow within and out of us. Just as we need to let love and kindness flow within and out of us, we need to let the negative thoughts and emotions move through-and out-of us too.
I promise you, it's liberating. Though it's not an easy process, and it certainly creates situations that have to be worked through with the people in our lives. Done with careful thought and with the right intentions, the feeling of release and peace in the end is worth it.
And, I might even say that it can really help to define your relationships with people. You find your people. Those who work through it with you become strong, close connections, and those who can't deal with honesty may leave your life-And that's o.k. too. Things change and people change. Life and people are a constantly evolving and changing. Sometimes we evolve ourselves right out of old ways and into new, exciting places we never dreamed of. Like water is purest when flowing, so are we.
dang-I just wrote a book here....sorry!
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