Refreshing Breeze

I am really excited at the thought of being able to start over. Sure, issues are not resolved, sure, I still have a million loose ends from this past school year, and sure, many of my responsibilities are not going to change. But as people in my life come and go, it offers me the opportunity for a sort of redefinition of who I want to be, and what I want to do. It's exciting, depressing, and overwhelming all at the same time.

During this time of transition and redefinition in my life, I have come to appreciate time alone. Especially after living in a house of five guys for nearly an entire year, this is a welcomed change. Whether its spending time on my deck, at a coffee shop, or in my room, having quiet time to myself has been refreshing. To reveal TMI, as I write this, it's Friday night and I'm in “Northstar Cafe” in the Short North by myself. I'm listening to Nick Drake's album “Pink Moon”, I am typing away at this blog, and I honestly would rather be almost no where else. It's a refreshing feeling.

My hope is that out of this time, I will be able to rediscover a part of myself that has become consumed with a 24/7 sense of obligation to others, and a 24/7 schedule of dealing with my social life's dysfunctional ways. I'm ready to put these things to bed, and move on. My past experiences are over, it's time I learn from them, and create some new ones in light of my past.

When I first moved to Columbus to go to Ohio State University, I spent a majority of my time alone. Not to say that I didn't deeply desire friends at this time, but I look back and see a strong sense of independence and a time of discovery within myself. This is a very fond memory of mine, and my hope is to find another sort of discovery within myself during this time. I'm not saying I'm completely independent (for example I still have access to my parents credit card), but it's comforting to know that I'm capable of being alone and being satisfied, not forever (a wink to the ladies ;) , but at least for the time being.

-Travis

Cancer

It's always been difficult for me to be honest with people. Not to say that I'm a compulsive liar, but I would say I am dishonest in what I don't say. It's a lie by omission. There are millions of times and instances where one will ask me, "Is there anything else?"..."Is there anything else you want to say?"..."Are you holding back?". My answer to all of those questions in most those circumstances would be a blatant lie. It's far easier to say "No. That's all." than to be honest. I always think, "If I said what I really thought, would they ever speak to me again?". I tell myself "I just want to leave this alone, let it work itself out, let them deal with it, it's none of my business, it's out of my control."

Thus begins the process of internalization. My definition of internalization would best be described by the following metaphor:

"Travis' Internalization:
A tumor grows inside of Travis on his spinal cord, the tumor lies dormant for an undetermined amount of time. Though dormant, the tumor grows. The tumor grows until one day, the tumor is large enough that it constricts Travis' spinal chord nerves, and paralysis ensues. Travis now cannot walk, his upper body is weak, and he needs a catheter because he can't control his bladder. Because Travis never reported the early onset of symptoms, chemotherapy and radiation treatment are ineffective. The only treatment at this point is surgery. Doctor's must sterilize themselves, cut open Travis' spine, and dig out the tumor piece by piece. It's possible that Travis will not survive this treatment, and if he does, the long term effects will be very unpleasant."

This is what it's like to allow issues in ourselves and between other people to ferment over a period of time. They get worse, they get cancerous, and then they have to be surgically removed.

Allowing issues to get to this point has happened all too often recently. But, I'm afraid of the surgery. I'm afraid of the bloody process that surgery is, I'm afraid of not making it through the surgery, I'm afraid of the scar, I'm scared of the long term effects of the surgery, and I'm scared of what the end results may be. I'd rather not go through the process.

I'd rather allow the cancer to kill what's left of my body, because I'm scared to be healed. This is not a good state of mind. I hope I can change it some day, but I fear the day won't be today.

-Travis

Jeff Buckley

I was recently inspired by the deceased artist Jeff Buckley. I saw a documentary about the beginning of his career, his rise, the recording of his album "Grace", and his untimely, and in my mind, accidental death. In the documentary, I saw he had journals from nearly everyone of his days on tour and I was just amazed and jealous that I'm unable to write once a week for only my own enjoyment. It inspired me to try and blog more over this summer. At least for myself if no one else.

-Travis