Who's Will?

Editor's Note:
This blog was written over my two weeks off in my prayer journal, while at Miami International Airport. You may notice a lot of ranting and frustration because that's what I was feeling at that moment. The interesting thing with journals/blogs is that it seals a moment in time. To go back and read what I've written is always weird and is sometimes frustrating. Nevertheless, I feel a duty to keep the same emotion that I felt in that moment, even though right now I feel rather separated from the following words.

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"It's God's will", "I feel God wants me to do this". As a christian, these are statements that I hear all the time from other Christians. They have become over used expressions that often times really mean "My Will", "I feel like doing this", and "My will be done...Amen." We can so easily deceive ourselves and others by throwing the "G" word into how we formulate decisions, we often use God as justification for the things that we want to do, not what were lead to do.

That being said, I will be the first to say that I don't hear a clear direction from God for all of my decisions in my life. Sometimes I do, and those are cool moments, but very often God's direction can feel very ambiguous. When that's the case, I consult other God fearing people that I trust and consider their advice, then I make a decision based upon my logic and limited wisdom that God has given me.

Was my final decision God's will? Did I feel like I chose what God would have me choose in His will? The truthful answers, depending on the circumstances, are "maybe", and "I have no idea". Most times I don't know if my choice was within the realm of God's will. However, I firmly believe that its okay for that to be the final verdict on the decision at hand. I believe its okay to say "I think", "Maybe", and "I don't know" when determining whether a decision was God's will or not. I even believe its okay to say "I decided" or "I thought it through" when were not offered a distinct direction from God. God gives us trustful people in our lives, he gives us logic, and he gives us wisdom. There's no shame in using these things. When we begin to drop the "G" word for all our decisions, when God really didn't give a clear and concise direction, then God's voice begins to lose its significance.

Here's my problem though. When I really do feel God's giving me a clear direction on a decision, it's not the direction that I want to go. God seems to speak to me directly when he's directing me to a place that I don't want to go. It's a kick in the balls I assure you. Right now I'm wrestling with a question that I asked God where he gave me a clear answer, but not the one that I wanted to hear. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm a masochistic schizophrenic who hears voices that influence him. But if I'm not, and God did answer my question directly, then I have no choice but to obey. It's just pathetic because I have cried out to God and asked "God please speak to me, be straight foreword with me!", but when he is, I don't like what I hear.

Like I said, I'm wrestling with the decision. Jonah also had similar issues. He had a clear direction from God, but he chose to deliberately disobey God. Eventually, God lead him to Ninevah (thanks Wiki), where he spoke truth and the people listened, but he had to go through a whale first. I suppose I can only operate under the knowledge I have now, and God has given me some direction. I guess if I did choose to disobey, God would have some sort of Whale to swallow me and spit me out so I can eventually serve my purpose, but I don't want to go through that. It's just hard to surrender my will, to God's will. It sucks.

-Trav

On Vacation.

I feel that I reserve the right to ignore my summer resolution to blog once a week during my two weeks away. So that's what I'm going to do!...unless I get bored.

-Trav

It's time to go.

I'm at my job where I should not be blogging, but it's that time right after lunch where you have absolutely no motivation to do anything, especially after a fantastic lunch nap (which I had). But it's time to get out of the city. For the next two weeks I'm going to be all over the place and it couldn't come at a moment too soon.

A week in my childhood church camp playing music with good friends, then I'm off to the Dominican Republic for the third time to serve in whatever capacity I'm able. I can't wait. It's going to be like living my high school era of no responsibility.

Of course the worst part is going to be coming back to this place. Dealing with rent, bills, roommate issues, all of it. Problems don't disappear, not when were under the influence of alcohol or vacation. Life just gets put on hold, then you have to hit the ground running, which I'm not looking foreword to. However, the next two weeks should be a blast. I can't wait to escape, if only for a short time.

-Trav

The Office.

This week I started an internship with the marketing department at the Ohio Union on OSU's campus. Having worked this new job for only a week, already I see how people become obsessed with their jobs. The competition, the office drama, and the feeling of being in a vacuum during office hours then you get home and remember all of the issues in your life outside of work.

It's been only a week and I've felt all of this. Already I feel stupidly competitive and eager to attempt to impress my superior like a real life Dwight Schrute. It's so frustrating to feel such a feeling of animosity towards people, especially when no one else of my fellow interns give a crap and are just there to get class credit and an easy minimum wage paycheck. There is no competition but inside my head. Were all in the same boat, yet, I can't make myself realize it.

I was expressing these new feelings towards a friend and he said "some people need to have credit given to them for what they do", and in the case of this job he would be dead on in describing my state of mind. However, I've never been that way with anything else. I don't remember trying to impress my boss in any other job or anyone else in authority over me. I suppose I feel this pressure because this is the first job that is actually potentially critical to my future in the work place.

The toughest part though, is the feeling of being inside of a vacuum. When I'm at this job all I think of is work, nothing else. I leave work, and all the responsibilities and issues of my personal life just flood my brain like a damn breaking. It drives me crazy. Granted however, the escape feels good, like being high or drunk. In the moment, I'm miles away from problems and issues in my life. Then I sober up at 5, the hangover begins, and all the issues that were there before I binged on whatever drug, reemerge twice as hard.

The worst part about being trapped in my work vacuum is keeping God the focus. That's probably where a lot of these feelings of needed validation, competitiveness, and tunnel vision come from. It's difficult, especially because this is the first job that I have ever really had to use my brain, ever. Every other job I have ever had has been manual labor where I am just performing some mindless task over and over again. When doing these mindless tasks, my mind wanders in a good way. I think about God, I pray to God, I think about people, unfortunately that mindless luxury is gone.

I need to find a way to deal with this new way of working. I need to find a way to keep God the focus even when a lot of my brain power is going towards my job. I hope that I can figure out the balance that people, such as my father and many other friends, have found in their work place.