Who's Will?

Editor's Note:
This blog was written over my two weeks off in my prayer journal, while at Miami International Airport. You may notice a lot of ranting and frustration because that's what I was feeling at that moment. The interesting thing with journals/blogs is that it seals a moment in time. To go back and read what I've written is always weird and is sometimes frustrating. Nevertheless, I feel a duty to keep the same emotion that I felt in that moment, even though right now I feel rather separated from the following words.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's God's will", "I feel God wants me to do this". As a christian, these are statements that I hear all the time from other Christians. They have become over used expressions that often times really mean "My Will", "I feel like doing this", and "My will be done...Amen." We can so easily deceive ourselves and others by throwing the "G" word into how we formulate decisions, we often use God as justification for the things that we want to do, not what were lead to do.

That being said, I will be the first to say that I don't hear a clear direction from God for all of my decisions in my life. Sometimes I do, and those are cool moments, but very often God's direction can feel very ambiguous. When that's the case, I consult other God fearing people that I trust and consider their advice, then I make a decision based upon my logic and limited wisdom that God has given me.

Was my final decision God's will? Did I feel like I chose what God would have me choose in His will? The truthful answers, depending on the circumstances, are "maybe", and "I have no idea". Most times I don't know if my choice was within the realm of God's will. However, I firmly believe that its okay for that to be the final verdict on the decision at hand. I believe its okay to say "I think", "Maybe", and "I don't know" when determining whether a decision was God's will or not. I even believe its okay to say "I decided" or "I thought it through" when were not offered a distinct direction from God. God gives us trustful people in our lives, he gives us logic, and he gives us wisdom. There's no shame in using these things. When we begin to drop the "G" word for all our decisions, when God really didn't give a clear and concise direction, then God's voice begins to lose its significance.

Here's my problem though. When I really do feel God's giving me a clear direction on a decision, it's not the direction that I want to go. God seems to speak to me directly when he's directing me to a place that I don't want to go. It's a kick in the balls I assure you. Right now I'm wrestling with a question that I asked God where he gave me a clear answer, but not the one that I wanted to hear. I'm crossing my fingers that I'm a masochistic schizophrenic who hears voices that influence him. But if I'm not, and God did answer my question directly, then I have no choice but to obey. It's just pathetic because I have cried out to God and asked "God please speak to me, be straight foreword with me!", but when he is, I don't like what I hear.

Like I said, I'm wrestling with the decision. Jonah also had similar issues. He had a clear direction from God, but he chose to deliberately disobey God. Eventually, God lead him to Ninevah (thanks Wiki), where he spoke truth and the people listened, but he had to go through a whale first. I suppose I can only operate under the knowledge I have now, and God has given me some direction. I guess if I did choose to disobey, God would have some sort of Whale to swallow me and spit me out so I can eventually serve my purpose, but I don't want to go through that. It's just hard to surrender my will, to God's will. It sucks.

-Trav